Sunday, February 23, 2014

Boldness has magic in it.

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.
Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now."

Last fall someone emailed me that quote after I had shared with her what was going on in my life and some of my artistic goals and dreams for the future. I printed it out twice and stuck it in frames in two different locations in my apartment to serve as the reminder I needed as I looked ahead at a wide-open, unknown future. I re-read that quote while brushing my teeth before bed. I re-read it when I felt discouraged and stuck.

Then about three months later, I got an out-of-nowhere opportunity that would let me reach one of my artistic goals, to make another (big) step towards making my dreams a reality here. I hadn't committed myself or stepped out, but I did reach out with openness to someone. And I believe being vulnerable is probably the boldest thing one do in relationships with other people. 

Trusting someone enough to be your true self and to share honestly brings with it the chance of betrayal. And because I have been through the trauma of that and realize a natural reaction to intimate betrayal would be to shut oneself off to avoid future pain, I have been intentionally trying to make choices to stay open and vulnerable in my relationships. Though thinking of facing complete rejection again from someone I trust makes my chest hurt deep inside if I think about it too much, I decided that closing myself off emotionally from other people would be a far worse sort of living death.

And you know what? The response to that email and my risk of vulnerability was the offer of a wonderful opportunity.

So I said Yes.

And now there are a lot of other steps to figure out between here and there, and it's out of my comfort zone. I did one thing today that required boldness. It was something I had thought of doing for a long time but had procrastinated on because of fear of rejection I guess. I finally decided qui ne risque rien n'a rien

So we'll see. If nothing else, I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone again. It's a good practice, I think, to keep stepping out in faith to see what happens. I've been surprised so many times before by the wonderful things that unfold after taking a risk, and there's no reason I won't at some point be surprised again.


  1. That is a wonderful quote, and I'm so glad to hear that you're taking risks and stepping out of your comfort zone. And even more glad that you're consciously choosing not to wall yourself off, but to allow yourself to remain open. :) *hugs*

    1. Thanks, canadianchia. It looks like the risk I made might work out. It is still up in the air... But even if it doesn't work out, it is still positive.

      Yeah, the open thing...that book is really helping me. I read a little every day or couple of days. Keeps me on track and re-reminds me of what I know to be true...

  2. The wide open, unknown future is exactly how I feel. Some days I feel excited and hopeful by it, other days I am wracked with sheer terror by it.

    1. Yes, all that unknown wide-open future can be pretty overwhelming/scary, especially if it was unwanted. For months and months I could only handle thinking about the present day and maybe the day or so after, if I had to. One foot after the other was all I could manage. I couldn't look ahead to anything in the distance because everything was so destabilized.

      Eventually in the fall, I made a list of goals of things to do by the summer. It was an attempt to have a bit of direction to make it through the winter. Winter is intense here. Everything on the list is something that is important to me and most are fun activities fun. Having the list has given me some direction that has been helpful for me... Things like painting 2 rooms in the apartment, going to art sessions with live models, etc. Fun goals. And some artistic-career-related goals too, which are more "work" but are things I would like to do.

      When one future that you were completely invested in disappears all of a sudden....well, it's just hard. But I am told that there are all sorts of blessings to be fun in the "second chance" and I am going to do my most to make the best of my life....even if I'm on this path I didn't chose. But I will make it my path and rebuild a fabulous life.

      It just takes time to heal and to rebuild.... I think being gentle with oneself is probably the key to survival...