Monday, September 23, 2013


I've only been to an actual grocery store twice since S left. Even in normal times, going to the grocery store is not my favorite chore. I think most of my dislike has to do with the process of hauling all the groceries out of the store to the car and from the car up to the apartment. I particularly disliked it in my single days, but it became fun when S and I did it together because I was with my favorite person in the world. We would often stop for poutines for dinner just before so neither of us would get hangry.

But that day in mid-July I found myself at the Fruiterie 440 holding a package of mushrooms and trying not to cry.

S loved mushrooms. He would sneak them from the cutting board as I chopped them up for dinner. I thought about leaving the mushrooms at the store because they were "his," he liked them more than me....but I didn't.

Later I found myself staring at the giant end-of-the-aisle display of Oreos remembering how he would often slip a box of Oreos in the cart when we went shopping. I hesitated there in front of the hundreds of blue packages before I decided I needed to claim the damn Oreos for myself because I like them too. So into my cart they went.

This process resounds across every aspect of my life, from possessions to relationships to where I go and even where I this apartment in this town in this province in this country. I moved here for him, and every aspect of my day-to-day life is connected back to him. I can't get away from that reality unless I literally uproot everything and move back to my country to start over. But I have built a life here and want to stay, so I am forced to delicately detangle everything.

I am careful with the threads because I am using these same broken pieces to reweave my connection to everything without him. Mending the gaping holes in my life is probably going to be a long process. New dreams to replace those that have been destroyed? Those will have to wait. My heart can't handle that yet; it's still mourning all the dreams that will never be. I'll stick to the more concrete things for now. Like Oreos.


  1. I think I get what you're dealing with in a way that only a fellow immigrant could really. I too am here because of my husband, because I moved here to be with him, and thus every aspect of my life is in some way tied to him. So I can only imagine how hard that detangling process must be for you, and I wish you the best of luck with it. I think reclaiming the Oreos is an excellent start. *hugs*

    (P.S. I just read your other comment, and I hope you have a blast when your Target opens! :D I've been thrilled to have it here.)

    1. Thanks, canadianchia. I know you understand what it's like to build a life in a new country where everything is connected to your spouse. Thanks for your good wishes in the detangling. (And there's less than two weeks now before Target will be open. I am excited and am planning to go sometime shortly after they open.)