Wednesday, October 2, 2013

3 months.

It's been three months since my husband left me for another woman. Completely out of the blue. In those first stunned weeks, I couldn't see how I would survive. I felt like I was dying. I am certain that I've cried more tears since July than I've cried during my entire life before that. Which is really weird because this was the surprise ending to the most wonderful and happy five-and-a-half years of my entire life. (The time I was with my husband, during our dating and marriage...up until the day he came home from that trip where he fell in love with her.) It's mind-boggling. And devastating. And I just don't have the ability to get my head around it. Time hasn't really helped yet with that.

With that I think I will just list some thoughts as they occur because that's about all I can muster right now:
  • Last weekend I went to a free open house two-hour life drawing session. It's something I've wanted to do for over two and a half years. I used to do visual art in high school, and have only done it sporadically since getting into theatre. It was fun. I want to draw and paint more.
  • Today I went to the grocery store for the third time since everything fell apart. It was a spontaneous stop just to pick up some things that the nearby convenience store doesn't carry. You know, like a selection of fresh vegetables.
  • It's autumn. Fall was my favorite season. We got married in mid-October almost four years ago. Now this month just makes me incredibly sad.
  • I guess Fourth of July is tainted forever now too. (He came home July 2nd, but left the 4th.)
  • About two weeks ago, I ran into someone, and it was clear she had heard the news. She's in the artstistic community that we're a part of, and it seems about everyone in that particular crowd has heard. Anyhow, the thing she said that stuck with me was, "C'est....brutal." I thought of that again today, because this afternoon I ran into someone else (who had also heard) that used the same word. That word hadn't really occurred to me—I had reached for words like hell, explosion, bomb, landslide, raw, abandoned—but I think it is a pretty appropriate word.
  • But life does go on, even when your life is in ruins. And today went from a grey morning to a beautiful afternoon with blue skies and white fluffy clouds and sunshine. My favorite kind of weather. I see that there are good things that still exist in the world (which is a definite improvement from the first weeks).
  • I have taken on more translation and revision freelance work to supplement my day job and try to make ends meet. Some people have sent a few contracts my way because they know I need the work, and I so appreciate it.
  • I am so deeply thankful for all the people that are taking care of me in so many different ways.
  • It really is unbelieveable how physical grief is. My body has reacted in ways I never ever would have expected. Hopefully the worst is over. Bless its heart.
  • That reminds motivation to cook is almost nonexistant, but I did make fried green tomatoes a couple weeks ago. They were delicious, if I say so myself. I didn't create the recipe, so I think I can say that, right? I took some to work and my québécois colleagues really loved them and wanted the recipe. Yep, I am doing my part up here to spread the culinery delights of the South.
  • Speaking of, a friend from here mentioned today that she would like to come have grits at my house soon.
  • Booboo is curled up beside me right now and snoring. I love his little snores.
  • I've been reading some books that have really, really helped me as I've been going through all this. I hope no one else ever has to go through this type of experience, but if anyone needs recommendations of books that are actually helpful, just ask.
  • I did a little bit of sewing last weekend too. Some alterations of things that didn't fit right, including improvising darts in three things. It worked out great.
  • I made a list of things I would like to do between now and next summer, in hopes of giving myself some little goals to help me make it through the winter. I'm kinda worried about winter and how I'm gonna do these next months. Winter here is hard, even when life is going well.
  • And...that's about it for now.


  1. I've been reading your blog for a few weeks after you responded to a comment of mine on A Practical Wedding; just thought I would say that although you don't know me I'm thinking of you and glad to hear you've experienced some good things :)

    1. Same story as Hazel. I hope you have a wonderful weekend :).

    2. Thank you, Hazel and Breck. I really appreciate it...

  2. Reading what happened made me feel like the wind was knocked out of me, and I don't even know you, so I can only imagine that brutal is a good word to describe the situation. My thoughts are definitely with you, and I'm glad that you're surviving and finding good things here and there. It's great that you've made some goals to get you through the winter; I hope that makes it easier. *hugs*

    1. Thanks, canadianchia. Yeah, I'm still stunned by how fast this happened. Things were happy and normal before he left on this work trip. I don't know if the shock of it all will ever wear off. I hope it will someday because my head (and heart) incessantly trying to figure it out is tiring. I will try to divert the energy towards my little wintertime goals as much as I can.