Time, Warped.

A fall day in 2018.

I sit drinking my coffee, listening to the guy playing the fiddle in the square below as the tourists pass him by. His repertoire is seemingly limited. Or maybe he only plays what "works" for his audience of vacationers. Whatever his reason, this guy plays non-stop traditional-Québéçois-sounding fiddle tunes. The next guy who will take over that corner after him plays piano. Last week, it was non-stop Pachebel's Canon. The fiddle stops, and a kid is screaming.

Eight floors above, I take another sip of my coffee and type, still somewhat drowsy. I woke up at 11:36 a.m. The bedroom is dark with the blackout curtain closed; it's easy to lose all sense of time.

August and Everything After...Is Unknown.

Somehow the months since mid-March have passed in a blur. A good blur. Like bokeh. The day I last wrote, I did indeed end up making madeleines that I gave to a friend for her 51st birthday. That evening at her party, I had a long conversation with her son. He seemed to be enjoying our talk, and I wondered if he might be interested in me. No, I told myself, he's younger...of course he wouldn't be interested in that way! But several weeks later, his mom put us in touch with an email, and we started emailing. Some weeks after that, he asked me on a date.

5 Years.

Five years ago today I moved to Québec.

What my life is like now is nothing like what I thought it would be on that day I crossed the border and moved to Canada. I came here to be with the person I loved, and once I left my country, he became my home. It wasn't a conscious decision; it just happened in my heart when I displaced myself for him and we got married.

When that exploded and the ground beneath me finally stopped shaking, I realized that I would need to gently dust myself off and redefine "home" for myself. I had to figure out a path forward.

Because sometimes you have to throw your own parties.

I threw myself a birthday party. I knew the first part of this month might not be easy for me, so I planned ways to intentionally take care of myself. I wanted to feel surrounded by loved ones and welcome in a new year, and a birthday is a perfectly normal reason to have a party. (Unfortunately a I-survived-the-depths-of-hell party is a little less socially acceptable.) And since I didn't have someone to throw me a party, I decided to throw one for myself. This probably broke some etiquette rules, especially because I made it a potluck party, but I don't even care. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.

Sage.

A year ago yesterday, my life was suddenly blown apart with one incredibly brief sentence. Tomorrow is a year from the day my now-ex-husband walked out of our home to be with his girlfriend.

If you had asked me then to imagine what my life would look like now, I would have been completely incapable of it. At that point, I could not begin to imagine my life without my ex. My mind couldn't even process what had just happened, let alone my heart. In the beginning, each morning I woke up from a few hours of sleep to re-remember what had happened, after having forgotten while sleeping. Eventually I began to wake up remembering. It took time to accept that things weren't ever going to go back to how they were before, and I don't think I will ever fully understand what happened because it was all so dissonant to absolutely everything I had believed.

Résilience.

This morning I watched this video about a goat that made me cry. The concern and commitment of the caregivers was moving, but it was seeing the little goat's determination that left me with tears running off my face and dropping onto my sternum. The goat kept going, despite adversity, with an attitude that I interpret as thankfulness. And not happiness, but joy. I was taught from an early age that joy is different than happiness because it is independent of external circumstances.

The other day I saw that a library in my town had added the word "résilience," written in huge silver capital letters, all across one side of the building. It's much larger than a billboard, and I took it as a message of encouragement from the universe to keep going. It is a reminder that that we can bounce back from adversity, that the human spirit is strong.

Woken by rain.

I'm not sure I ever wrote about this before, but in the winter of 2011 our bathroom had two leaks coming from the ceiling. There was one leak coming through the vent thing over the tub (which convieniently dripped into the tub) and one through the light fixture beside the tub (which required a bucket). I quickly realized that the leak only came when I heard the upstairs neighbors using the toilet and then flushing. But the leak started dripping before the flush.
 
***

          Lights up.

The audience hears the sound of the upstairs neighbor peeing.

Drips begin coming through ceiling at a rate of more than one per second.

Toilet flushes.

Drips continue for a while, then slow to a stop.

          Blackout.

***

So....yeah. Gross.

Well. This morning the sound of running water woke me up.

Here and there.

• I bought vacuum cleaner. A Miele. I love it. It's black and silver, though I chose it for other reasons. However, it coordinates very well with my home's color scheme.
• I vacuumed the whole apartment the day I brought it home. There are no longer little rocks on the floor in the 3-foot (half) radius around front door. And Booboo was pretty comfortable around it, which is a huge change from how he was with the previous vaccuum.
• At the store, the registration process for the 10-year free warranty (!!!) asked for the reason for buying a vacuum. There was not an option for "My ex left me for another woman and took the vacuum cleaner with him." So the guy at the store said I should just choose "Replacing a broken vacuum."
• My new Miele rolls behind me so easily, like a happy little puppy following me around. It was on sale, plus I even got an extra $40 off because I took one that had an almost invisible scratch on the bottom. Honestly, I probably did more damage to it on its maiden voyage around the apartment the other day.
• You know the risk I talked about in the last two paragraphs of this post?

My possessions are staging a rebellion.

So. My laptop broke on Monday night late, and I had to buy a new one on Tuesday because I have a freelance translation contract to finish for Friday. It was supposed to be delivered Wednesday, but it was not.

On Tuesday I came home and walked in the door and the lights wouldn't work. I thought it was the light bulb. I tried two and determined that it wasn't. Then I thought it might be the fuse. (The fuse box is a mystery to me because it is the old kind of fuses because the apartment is 100 years old.) After someone else checked for me (and I made notes of which fuses do what!), I know that all the fuses are fine.

The process of elimination revealed it is a problem with the contact in the lamp itself (for one of the non-working lamps) and a timer explained the other non-working lamp. The timer is now adjusted and that lamp works now.

Wednesday night I tried to go to meet someone to borrow a laptop to use until the new one arrives and to see if there was anything to be done for the broken one. I got in my car and turned on my windshield wipers. They started up then stopped in the middle of the windshield on the first swipe. So I couldn't drive anywhere because driving any significant distance without windshield wipers in winter in Québec is just not wise.

I bought a couch. It is not beige.

I bought my very first couch.* And I really like it. It's from Ikea, and almost the same as what my ex and I had (but that one was his from before, so he took it with him). Instead of a 2-seater sleeper sofa, I got the 3-seater regular couch. ('Cause that fold-out bed was not very comfortable anyways!) The 3-seater couch is long enough for me to sleep on, so I can sleep on it when I have guests who visit. And the color? White! And red! 'Cause, you know, the covers are removable...and WASHABLE!

Which is a good thing, because the white cover (I am in a white phase with decor) is not coping so well with my wardrobe chock-full of black clothing and Booboo's hair. I will need to buy stock in whatever company makes lint-rollers if I use the white all the time.

Anyhow. I am so thankful to have a couch again. Next up: painting a couple rooms (white, of course) and buying a vacuum cleaner. I am currently thinking it makes more sense for the environment to invest in a better one that will last for YEARS. I am pondering Miele (possibly a refurbished one???) because I had one years ago in a furnished apartment I lived in in Europe and never had any problems with it, and the reviews are really good for that brand. Do any of you have any experience with vacuums you love?

*I have owned one other super comfy couch that was given to me, and I loved it. But when I moved here, we decided my ex's couch was better than mine, so we gave mine to his friend (who was actually one of his ex'es). She loves the couch though, so at least it went to a someone who appreciates it.

The boots are on.

Crisis: Dead-End or Transformation

This was in my neighbors' mail outside their door. I took it as extra motivation to fight my way through to the other side of this experience. I recently watched Under the Tuscan Sun, and it's just like when Patti says to Frances (whose husband left her for another woman):  

"You know when you come across one of those empty shell people, and you think 'What the hell happened to you?' Well there came a time in each one of those lives where they are standing at a crossroads... someplace where they had to decide whether to turn left or right. This is no time to be a chicken-shit, Frances."

Today my ex moved his stuff out.

4.

We got married four years ago today. Last year when we celebrated our anniversary and exchanged our annual anniversary letters to each other, I didn't know we wouldn't have a lifetime of anniversaries to share.

I thought we would one day be a little old couple walking down the street holding hands. I never ever imagined the possibility that any of this could ever happen. Ever. Let alone before our fourth wedding anniversary.

Comfy shoes.

Credit: Adventures Along the Way

Booboo is the best. I just love him. Who could resist that little face? He's been so affectionate with me these last months...more than normal. I guess he's taking care of me.

Thankful.

I have an amazing group of friends, and I am thankful beyond words for them. Friends from long ago and from recent years; those that are here and those that are far away. Even friends I have not yet met in person, and the new friend I made as I got off the plane at Midway airport in Chicago last week.

I am thankful for them all.

Since July 4

Light bulbs that have blown: 4
Fuses that have blown: 1
Splinters received from walking barefoot on the wood floor: 2
Days that have passed without crying: 1
Movies watched: 0
Times I have made waffles: 2
Original vintage windows that have decided to no longer open: 1
Trips to the grocery store: 1
Birthdays: 1
Weddings attended: 1
Books read: 2
Favorite pens that have run out of ink: 2
Journals filled: 1
Times I have bought myself flowers: 1

Booboo's favorite activity.

Booboo is always excited when I come home. He warmly welcomes me by immediately running to the bathroom.

Credit: Adventures Along the Way

Credit: Adventures Along the Way

Credit: Adventures Along the Way

It's nice to have someone to come home to...even if his eager welcome is mostly because he wants some fresh water.

Not cat-proof.

I had wanted to find a cat-proof solution for my plants this summer. So I was thinking of vertical hanging bags. But then S came up with this free solution using stuff we had already. Not as pretty as what I had envisioned, but it was okay with me and probably easier. And I liked that it was re-purposing the shelves the previous renters had left when they moved and did not clean all the random stuff and trash out of their/our storage unit. So...it seemed like a good idea.

I thought it was cat-proof. I mean, I didn't think there was enough room to walk around the pots on the shelves. I wanted to ask S to help me move the shelf to be centered in between the windows so that it was not close to either window sill, but that didn't happen before everything fell apart. So the shelf has stayed in its location.

It is clearly not cat-proof. 

That's Pippi on top of one of my my non-flowering daisy plants. 

I bought these daisy plants back in May. Well, they are supposedly daisies, but there are no daisies at all. I have two pots of leaves. Just leaves. Leaves that I try to remember to water. They appear to be pretty comfortable.

The daisies are refusing to bloom this summer. Maybe it is an act of solidarity?

Pippi is not this cat's real name. It's just what I named her. Her real name is probably, you know, a French cat name. But, even so, she seems to like the name Pippi too. She comes when you call her by it.

Does anyone else name the neighborhood animals you see around and then actually talk to them using their not-real names?

Pippi did not seem to mind too much that I got in her face with a camera.

At least someone is getting some pleasure out of the no-daisy daisy plant.

 

 

An update of sorts.

• Earlier this summer I was fired up to write a post about how I was seeing a lot of rudeness in society these days. But....eh. I decided not to.
• This is partially because we escaped away from it all and spent a month in Australia. A month in Australia can do remarkable things, including reducing levels of annoyance.

Photo credit: S

Photo credit: S

• See? It does wonders.
• The jet lag I had after coming back was the worst I've ever had. It took me ten days to get back on our Canadian time zone. But hey, it was fun staying up to dawn again; it had been an unbelievably long time since I'd done that.

Living Abroad (and Reflecting on Home)

I just read Chelsea Fagan's What Happens When You Live Abroad. Feeling inspired to write, I opened up a new post and quickly started to entitle it "Leaving Home." But then I stopped. What do I mean when I say "leaving home"? It surely isn't as simple as that for me. "Leaving One Physical Place for Another and Discovering Something New About Home" might be closer.

The other day my dad sent me a few emails with charts of our genealogical history going WAY back. Back to the "Old World." When I looked at the branches going back over several hundred years, it's clear that our roots are mostly in the general region of my home of origin. Basically my ancestors established themselves in one state and made their way to the neighboring state and stayed there. This is the state where I grew up, as did my parents and grandparents and others before them. Our family history is definitively there. But when I go back far enough, there is that one very distant ancestor who was born in England then died in the "New World." He is the one that changed the path of our family tree by leaving everything that was familiar to make a life in a new place.

And here I am, an immigrant in another country, with the realization that I have made a similar jump that impacts our family history. I feel a little like I betrayed my roots and The Sense of Place of my family.

Patching things up.

Over the last few years I have been focusing on being more eco-responsible and really incorporating the reduce-reuse-recycle thing into my daily life. When we moved to this apartment almost two years ago, we tried to look for things we needed at second hand shops first, and that preference has continued, though we don't really need much these days.

I've started re-purposing old things we have to meet new needs. It's been a fun challenge. Learning to sew has opened up so many more possibilities of modifying my clothes or making stuff out of repurposed t-shirts. When I patch up a hole in my favorite shirt or in my most comfy jeans, I get a thrill from the pioneer feeling of it all. I love feeling resourceful and making stuff last longer.

There are more green changes I'd like to make in the coming months. One goal is trying to find somewhere to buy eggs without packaging. I've heard the market in town sometimes has eggs, so I am going to give that a try in the coming weeks. I'm also working on improvising patterns to make some fun clothes I'll wear out of my large collection of unworn, old t-shirts. And I am really looking forward to growing some some herbs and veggies on our back porch again this year...only this year I'll elevate the containers of edible things so the local outdoor neighbors' cats can't get in them.

Anybody else have any eco-friendly goals to implement this summer?